Every experience is a chance to learn.

Choosing to be happy is a strange conundrum. I have had many people tell me that your feelings are completely your choice. You choose to be happy or you choose not to be happy. I have always wanted to believe that to be true and I thought that because oftentimes, I did not feel happy, the problem was with me internally. It has taken a number of years for me to realize that the people who are saying this are both correct and incorrect.

We choose to be happy when we choose our circumstances. Being in a toxic environment and staying there is choosing not to be happy. What if we don't realize that we are in a situation that is not healthy for us mentally, emotionally or physically? Are we then choosing to be unhappy? I believe the answer to this question is not a simple one. A person can be in a toxic relationship but not even realize it.

A family member was in a toxic relationship for about a year when he finally stood back and realized that he was pretty miserable, even though during this time, he really thought he was helping the individual he was in the relationship with. He and I talked at length about it and he seemed to be bitter about it at first. After many conversations, we were able to come to the conclusion that we (meaning anyone) cannot keep beating ourselves up because we were in a miserable situation that caused us to be unhappy and possibly have taken out our frustration on others. The main thing is that once a person leaves that situation, to take a step back and write down pros and cons of the relationship. What are the takeaways? What can we learn to either not make the same mistakes again or better yet, help someone else in a similar situation. This family member was able to leave the relationship and after a great deal of self-reflection, he is now ready to look for a great relationship. He is taking what he has learned and knows what warning signs to look for and is very happy!

Every experience is a learning experience, whether it be learning what we do and don't want in a relationship or how we ourselves will or won't behave in a relationship. The relationship doesn't have to be a personal one. It can be a social, business, religious, etc. relationship. I personally just left a very toxic 5 1/2 year relationship. While I had seen others come and go, I felt comfortable in the situation. Once it became so uncomfortable that I started having physical illnesses, I realized it was time to make the break. The key for me was realizing that it was toxic and then making a plan to make the break. In my case, the toxicity was trying to follow me after the break. I had to disassociate myself with everything about the situation in order to start the healing process. I am still in that process and will keep you posted on things I do to facilitate a happy, healthy life.